there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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