No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
