so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
