I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
porn star boner night. come get it.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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