i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
