Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
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