Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
