I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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