I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
