As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize