eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
