I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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