Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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