My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
