You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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