ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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