you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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