Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Randomize