I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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