Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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