My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
