you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
