um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
