I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize