Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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