i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize