I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
