Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
