Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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