Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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