I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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