omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
