saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
