Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
