The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize