I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
