Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
