I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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