i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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