I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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