hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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