dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
