I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Randomize
