***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
