There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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