i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
