Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
