Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize