Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
