His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
