dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The air taste purple.
Randomize
