There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
