You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
