I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
