I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
