Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize