my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
