I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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