i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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