I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
