Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
